It was up to me

“See, you’ll get yourself full undies of satisfaction for only 5 bucks”. Yet I had some doubts whether I should go or not. What did I expect from it? Just a play, a sole actor, no stage, the closest contact with spectators, great plentitude of emotions, feelings, cries, tears, crashes, bounds, thrusts and body shaking and shuddering right fucking in front of you. Oh, it really blows your mind out completely. Perhaps, that is the reason for so good an attendance of place like that theater, for every staged play gathers a full house there. My hesitation grounded upon the matter of money because I regarded that activity as pointless one even if it costed me 5 bucks only. And there are always another bunch of excuses of your not visiting some gig or place like a lack of time or lots of shit to do at home, rugby training for chri sake. But last months of my existence are distinctly marked with my training the power of will or learning to make up some decisions without delay and too much thinking, just a quick command and not less quick respond either. It’s a somewhat learning experience, practice of real life, not that permanent dawdling around same stuff and matter for years. For all the underestimation, I took a chance and visited the theater. And I’ve never been to it before, valuable remark indeed. So, as you can judge, I had a certain set of prejudices and misgiving about the undertaking of the sort. Anyway, I was at the theater waiting for my friend just an hour before the beginning. Lots of these silly looking stupid fucking assholes floating around pissed me off well enough. These feminine looking boys, spiritually gifted virgins whose faces were marked with some bits if intelligence, but they simply didn’t know that it was all make belief etc. So, I had my two minute hatred directed onto them, as I always do in such cases. This is my inborn reaction to all sort of manmade bullshit. Here I’d like to interrupt a narration.
That day, I don’t remember exactly what it was like, but it certainly began as it always did before, waking up, shiting down, devourment of the morning protein set, I mean natural protein like eggs and another stuff, dumping once more and dressing up. You see, nothing fancy. At some moment when I was in a streetcar my phone revealed its presence, another message from here on the same topic. It somehow only added to an entire confusion of another fucking day, for I personally was pressed against the wall in some way. In my case it means making up any decision at all. This is what I’m at odds with. She wrote, it’s for you to decide. Well, first of all, I went apeshit because of her English, I couldn’t react the other way and that was my nerd nature, alter ego. But it wasn’t that what really mattered at the time. That was a kind of question which requires a direct answer only, yes or not. You can’t be evasive in such a situation and that caused me some soul suffering deep down. I needed to recollect everything in the memory in that precise minute, estimate all the pros and cons and deliver a judgment, yet I wasn’t sure who was a defendant. More likely I was. The first thought was to postpone the resolution of that deal to better times, maybe. An ordinary reaction, a little frightening, for I was completely unsure of what should I do and should I do anything either. I was pondering somewhere around ten minutes with fingers grasping my cell phone, eyes following people outside and brain being self squeezed like a sponge. He was looking for some refuge to hide and cover himself with a blanket, an annoying thought of her waiting there for my reply didn’t bestow me a mere bit of concentration or courage. After five or seven minutes passed a sudden brainwave crossed my mind, an immediate hit of urine in the brain – tale a fucking chance for once in your life, whacha gonna do, play with your prick for another thirty years? Then her words echoed in my ear, don’t be afraid to fall in it. My head was already going to burst and I don’t know how I eventually came to that much suffered conclusion. I remember it as if it happened an hour ago, me being somewhat bent with my arms crossed on the chest and elbows resting on the knees, hands being embracing and digging into hair, eyes sparse and a look scattered on every surrounding object, and her, on the contrary, going crazy and tearing her mind with some clues and premonitions of something bad to befall, for they always expect the worst thing, and my thumb is nervously trying to pick a button to begin a writing of a negative or positive answer. Seemed to be a choice between red cord and blue one, which is to cut… But Carlin helped me like he did before. I stopped my ruminations and began to type this – Yes, I really can’t stand a thought of another fucking day without you. The ice broke…
He was quickly climbing up some metal structure, the light was completely dimmed, an fierce and invigorating music sounded loudly enough and here he was already on top leaning a little downwards, the spotlight carving his face, final vows of the play, he took a deep breathe and said, love each other. That was the ending after which he supposedly fell down and that last spotlight was out, too. Impressive shit it was. I was deadly kicked ass. No more words could ever explain that condition I was in at the moment, fuck yeah. All the way home I was just glad for the right choice made that day.

On moral and some other problems

Selfishness… Good word, nice word, which has quite an important notion in its ground or root – self. Well, what’s so bad or weird in it? Why there’s so much fuss and disapproval of being selfish? -

Sometimes I think that if some moral rule or regulation is being praised and cherished then we’ve got a stupid fucking people around us. My logic is as following – when you are kind and carrying guy, you don’t need to be told or infirmed or reminded about being that kind of guy – you already is. Therefore, artificial inflation of the moral is a clear evidence for our imperfection, sinfulness, ignorance and all the other pretty things that we have down here. And when you face some suspiciously looking chap trying to lecture you or anybody else, be sure – he’s got pretty more shit behind him than you could ever think. In most of the cases you won’t be mistaken, and everything you’ve gotta do is just say so: go fuck yourself and pray for your sins, my brother, before taking the responsibility of lecturing someone at all. Now you’re beginning to understand the direction I lead my allusion - the church officials. Right, you’re goddam right. The Champions of all times in this activity - violate sins before lecturing somebody. And the only things that surprises me in their behavior – their confidence, strict and adamant, they are sure enough no one will ever destroy their so called enterprise, because the amount of goofy people is pityingly increasing, not decreasing, and the deeper I dive and stir the whole shit, the less hope I,ve got in any celestial powers or in the providence – the situation is fucked up enough.

But let’s get back from them, because I’m not a kind of guy to pay attention to any of the billions of the stupid people to have ever been born on this planet – let them mind their business somehow, I keep moving. So, as we were touching upon the subject of selfishness, I was wandering why every silly moralfag tries to vilify that feature in someone. I believe I have gone to the conclusion and for me it is of a clear nature.

As for me, I tried hard to be selfish, but it turned out that I was not very good at it. Perhaps, it is not really my trait. This feature looks suitable for many other guys, but the one difference that matters here – they look natural when they are selfish ok. Another point, which is of mine, they are just too weak persons, so that they aren’t able to show any virtue or courtesy to people, or even a bit of patience for a little while. Their philosophy is not that sophisticated: you fuck with me – I’ll fuck you up. Just like animals do, but the latter are driven by their instincts given by the Mother Nature, whereas human even those, whose medical cards have a special mark ‘psychopath’ – they understand every move and action precisely and know the main ground of it. This is what differs and distinguishes us and them. And we must admit this distinction, to be precise – comprehension of the distinction, which does a lot of a problem among us, humans. When animal comes and murders something – ok, I just wanted to eat bro, don’t get too upset man; and when the human does something similar to it – oh, blow me Holy Virgin, there begins this shit, ruminations on his possible motives and causes, what drove him, why, reasons, whereas he was simply mocked up too much or something like that. And everybody makes round eyes full of surprise and mourning. Fuck you, it’s not him, but you are to blame, serve you right for your unrighteous behavior with psychopaths like that guy, next time you’ll watch out more attentively -

So, selfishness doesn’t fall from the sky or squeezes through some membrane from the other world – it’s your goddamn work, folks, you caused that, but it’s really hard to realize and moreover admit the guilt – doesn’t bother my ass, I’m graceful, not me, I’m a really caring guy, ask that man. That is a problem of solidarity, common responsibility, which nobody wants to take, but this ‘nobody’ will be the first to come and reproach you who’s done something wrong, and of course you’ve got no second chance , ‘life is just a bullet from behind – I run for cover just like you’. Everyfuckingbody runs for this and gives a fuck to the guy who’s gone astray. Anyway, we are supposed to descend from animals and we know what rules and regulations they live by – natural selection. Supposing this is a case here – simple, clear, pure selection, the strongest is to survive and prospect – the weakest is to go down, not in a history that much, but rather in a gutter. I don’t either mind that philosophy, nor am I an antagonist of it. Let it exist, I give a fuck -

I do know why all these jack-offs blow up buildings, fire in schools and colleges etc. – their lives are pointless. The most simple and common thought, though the least taken in account usually. Like every other solution, this one came suddenly, but not as if in a blink of an eye or in a jiffy – I have had a pretty deal of reflection before and here it is. Despite the whole variety of means of the amusement available nowadays, our lives still remain stupid and senseless, what causes quite much suffering in someone’s asshole, because, as has been mentioned, we UNDERSTAND the entire fuckedupness of our position, nevertheless we’ve got no cue or a plan to sort the shit out. I wish I personally were an animal, and I wouldn’t even feel any regrets, for the word anima in Latin means soul, so I would be an animate creature ha-ha. No expenses, no losses – just a profit, folks –

Well, those stupid people have an aggravating urge – make something real and valuable, something to be proud of or just break out from the routine. And they go further to a straight action, and who knows what it might be, I don’t exclude even some radical acts: bursts, murders, robbery, felony - just for lulz folks, just to get the day rolling.

Thoughts are coming to an end and I no longer resist it. Till next times.

Same shit, different day.

Agonizing this process is – to pull out all your thoughts and write them down. As hard as recalling your dreams you have had this night, for you really try to understand the “nature of the beast”. So you continuously think about them during a day and what is the most interesting – they don’t go away, you can’t just let them go as if they reminded you about something irrelevant to your present position in time. But the very moment you set them free, you begin to regret, even repent, for their presence simulated the fact, that you were real and lived a real life. God damn, you did not. If you remember your first kiss or your first salary, you honestly believe that you’ve lived or have been living a cute and worthy life. Well, I must admit it a make belief, ok?...

Here I go again. The next morning I woke up as usual somewhere at six p.m. For there was much time left till the arrival to Lviv, I set to reading a story by Stevenson “ The Raja’s Diamond”. I must admit it was a nice one – very vivacious, moving, breathhilding story, not so complicated and sophisticated as A Strange Case… And what more stands out in this work – a sense of humor. Yeah, I dearly and cordially laughed at all the adventures of that poor young man, who had become a victim of some one else’s fraud plot. This writer definitely has a good humor. So I finished that stuff pretty fast and still there was whole lotta more time to spend and I started staring into the window as if struck in stupidity. For I really got nothing to do, shit. Once my father called, I talked to him about the matches of that day. Then other passenger inquired if I was going for football to Lviv. So we filled a few extra hours with our half pointless conversation. Being approaching th city, he began to conduct me the local places and explaining some things concerning the city. Having been passing Ternopol region, I noticed multiply traces of a recent flood: here and there the level of water reached reasonably high mark. And of course these landscapes – pure Taiga, so you can admire the scene consisting of hills and trees, somewhere mixed with pines, but not often.

Now change a pace a little. Let’s talk about xenophobia and its nature. I headed towards this trip being very inspirited – thought I would deal with those people easily and without any troubles. But it turned out to be a hard one to do. And I failed for once I heard that replica in their dialect, my hate boiled to such a degree, that I can’t even describe it. Nor could I describe and analyze its nature and any preconditions to it. I simply became hatred about that man and that’s all – no reasons, no prejudices, no causes. And having taken it into account, laying on a bed, I concluded xenophobia to be a reflex, a reaction given and put in us from the very moment of birth. Shit, I genuinely regretted that I could neither love nor respect, or even just reconcile with the presence of such citizens in our country like him. And hey – this hate wears more inexplicable air, for it had no practical reasons for those feelings – he neither offended nor hurt me in any way, he even didn’t acted defiantly or something like that – simple chap, but a one concern for me – HE’S FUCKING UGLY SPEAKING. And I can not really make it or figure it out. Anyway, I think he is not less embarrassed, when he travels to our regions. Nor he hates less, than I did that day. Damn, and these pricks honestly believe to unite this country – what a kind of simple minded morons they must be to think so. Ahh, maybe I’ve come up here with an idea – send teenagers from the eastern regions to the camps, located in the West, and perhaps it’s gonna balance all the situation with this mutual hostility, which festers in our folks. And hell yeah – kids have more chances to get on with each other, than these stupid adults. I evidently profess this idea and hope for the best. But hey – am I fucking dreaming or what else? – these faggoty politics simply aren’t interested in a health and peaceful society and public. It’s not profitable, for who’s gonna vote for them in case there is no confrontation in the nation and our folk does not vote “against” instead of “for”. Dull prospect it is indeed – going down and deep with every passing year. Nevertheless, we’ll be hoping for better anyway.

Thus having arrived, I just took a tram right to the center, which is called Market Square, or Ploshya Riynok. It is very common for every nowadays and former European cities to have these squares. As I know, there is one in Berlin – Marketplatz. In the tram I saw a bunch o’ lads on a fearful countenance indeed. Then I got to know that they had been our supporters from Rivne – city located not far from Lviv and belonged to the western region. So respect to them as well. One confusion to go – I was pretty mush surprised about those punchers instead of conductors. Apparently, the city tries to save some money from budget. Lviv itself will be in my next post.

On tour again

This time it was real deal – two and half days en route. And somehow it didn’t cost me much – about 20 euro for return ticket and only 1 euro for food. Hell yeah – the local prices are definitely affordable. I could even settle there some day, but the city has a problem with a water supply system. And hey – haven’t I told a name of the city yet? – It was Lviv or Lemberg or as locals call it – Banderstadt. The latter consists of two words – a surname and a German word stadt, which means city. The trip being very long and tiresome in some way, I decided to take along a volume of novels by Stevenson in English. For I had had this book half read long ago, and now, concerning this distant journey, I thought it would be a nice chance to finish it. So, there were a few novels and the one, which impressed me enough – The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. While reading you just can’t link together all the odd events, but the author as always brings some clarification during the narration. And this stuff strongly reminded me that one of Wilde and his Picture of Dorian Gray, for the main problem, I guess, lies in the same subject – duplicity of a human nature and actions as well as the duplicity and hypocrisy of the society. The moral and mental suffering and anguish of the main hero are just as resemble as of Dorian Gray, but I found the description by Stevenson to be more complete and penetrative into the very angles and corners of the human soul. And of course I liked his style of writing, and his gift to make a genuine detective story out of nothing, for you really become involved and experience and worry about someone’s destiny and fate. So as long as Stevenson goes here and there, to and fro, never touching and approaching the major plot itself, never showing a single hint or allusion to give you any sort of a clue, therefore he leaves it up to you to ponder and ruminate on the occasions to happen. Now I would like to quote one dialogue from this book, which took place between Laurence Sterne and some young chap. Here it is:

“Sir,” he said, marching up to the table, ”I do not like your face.”

“That is a pity,” said Mr. Sterne,” for I like yours.”

“I perceive you set up to be a wit,” said the young man.

“No, sir. Only a Christian,” said Mr. Sterne.

“You cannot pretend to make any pleasure in this dinner,” said the student, changing his ground. “Come, be done, be done with it, and do not keep me waiting.”

“Whence is your hurry?” inquired the parson.

“Because when you are done, I presume you will say grace; and I have a curiosity to hear you canting.”

Mr. Sterne instantly laid down his knife and fork, and stood up with a reverent demeanor.

“Lord,” said he, “look down upon thy two poor creatures, met here together in the worst inn (among all thy various works) that I can ever remember to have visited; and grant, Lord, unto each, that of which he stands so much in need – to me, digestion; to him, manners.”

Genuinely fun story this one is. To be frank, I read it a few times before having understoond the humor itself and the witticism of Mr. Sterne. I presume him to have been a nice lad in the first place.

But let’s return to our days. As I travelled barely through a half of the country, the level of purity and correctness of Ukrainian language ascended gradually while my progression from the east to the west. So, since the poor Ukrainian is a cause and reason for a severe butthurt of mine, I scarcely kept myself from slapping all those brutal bastards, who were ignorant of their fucking native language. And here does a surprise part come in – I personally know this language, but I come from a Russian speaking region and my poor Ukrainian can be forgiven in case of any mistake, but you, silly pricks, who usually dwell in the Ukrainian speaking regions, not even should – you are fucking obliged to say it right. When you fail, I just sit and wonder why, ‘cause there could not be any reasonable explanation to that shit. Nevertheless, I proceed from my inner hate to more amiable themes. At least we are united and must be as a unit, “one nation under the God.” So one more shit I could never stand – this obsession to eat, gorge and devour all the fucking food, which was taken along, while travelling by train. It’s a special feature only concerning to railway. You won’t ever see these goofy people chucking their meal on a plane or on the ship. Well, that was an old fuck, who observed that tradition rigidly once more. Hardly had I entered my reserved seat, I caught this smells and fumes of fried chicken, boiled eggs, every other bullshit. You know, separated all these food do not make me vomit or something like that, but in the mixture I just go barely insane and crazy of that shit. And fuck yeah – he was eating all that with a great pleasure marked in his countenance, chewing every bit and slice, swallowing it carefully. God, damn it, I get pissed off. But you must somehow put up with that. So did I. Gotta go to bed, for I have not fully recovered from the trip yet.

On the books.

There’s gonna be a few words about books. Usually I grab some book, or choose, by chance – I just look at the bookshelves in my father’s library and search for any book to read. I run through the backs of the books, read a title then a name of an author. Then I draw one book after another, examine them, wondering what could be more interesting considering my present state of mind and tastes, and choose one, seldom two, books. A stupidity arrives the very moment I find another one – far more interesting and the one I’ve wanted to read for a long time. But the previous one is half read and you kinda fuck your brain in quest of righteous decision – what to do? Eventually you appease yourself with a golden mean – continue to read the previous one and begin with that, which is of greater interest for you by now.

Hell, I guess lots of us do such a way, and we don’t find it bad, it’s likely to be inconvenient. Years ago I would consider that as kinda sacrilege, but those days I had far much time for reading and didn’t fill my head with thoughts of which one to read. Now times changed, I’m a God damn student, gotta do something at least – study, pass stupid and what is more important – useless exams, waste my time on this pointless activity and find a gap in my now tight schedule to devote some time to, I must say, a real mental activity – reading.

I recall those days, when my father tried, rather pointlessly I must admit, to make my love books, reading, to cultivate an honesty and respect to the books, but in that age I only wanted as Carlin said it: “ You sit in the garden, got a stick in your hand and you dig a fucking hole.”

Nevertheless, I turned to them one day; do not remember exactly how or any circumstances. Maybe I can recall a book, which led me the righteous way – I guess that was Robinson Crusoe. Nice book if you persecute a goal to convince a poor little fuck to reading, hell it is. But it didn’t give up and relinquished the hope for victory at once – I was fucking struggling with it a good deal of time and I fucking had defeated it eventually, hell yeah. That moment something inside just switched off or on and I became kinda book freak. It was in the far future, when I understood that it didn’t by all means mean something cute and good, but those days I consumed books one by one as a big black hole, which swallows and eliminates the stars in the galaxy (bloody Hawking with his history of time - kinda fucked up my brain with it.)

Since my father was very fond of history, especially of our country (in fact there are two “our country” for him – USSR and Ukraine.), I began to follow him in that passion to history. Historic library now contains whole lotta shit to read, even some monuments of medieval works of some insane priests and the church officials. And it’s fucking published in the Old Slavonic language, genuine shit. So any fucked up person with a pervert mind and brain can amuse himself with such a reading. Good luck, Bruno, but without me. So there is no wonder that I passed my history exam well – got eleven. But I was rather sluggish and didn’t prepare for it as I should.

Blahblahblah – and today I’ve finished a real holy shit at last – Dictionary of the Khazars by Pavic. To say that I’m impressed is not even to say nothing – it means to stay silent at all. After a few rather simple and relaxing books it came as a jar of water in the desert of a contemporary written bullshit. At the beginning you feel a little bit embarrassed and confused (dazed and confused?), because it’s not an everyday’s reading – stupid novel or spin-offs about mojo men and pretentious cocksuckers, or on the detectives, whose dumb contemplation make me laugh and cry simultaneously, cause he is fucking goofy. Oh hell, sometimes hate makes the cup run over.

Eh, and let’s be back to the point of speech. The simple act of me sitting and reading Pavic till the first hour after midnight must tell much I think. So it took me only two days to finish with it. Last night in some moment, when I was reaching the extract, containing one more discourse on the Satan and its place in the human world – I barely fancied him next to my window, glazing and staring and grinning at me. An instant thought to shut the god damn book and finally go to bed flew through my mind, but, as you might have guessed already, I didn’t do that. The book appeared to be far stronger and more attractive than that guy from the abyss.

Although the narration is overloaded with sophisticated vocabulary, it’s read sufficiently easy and you will surely not encounter any difficulties. Of course, if you got any wits at all. But, I must admit, I had hardly lost the rest of my wits by the end of the book or it just seemed to me.

Another one feature to have surprised me was those metaphors. Ohh, men, I’ll bet ya, you have never met anything of the kind, that’s for sure. For example – the time was raining above him, but above her the time was snowing, tiresomely and permanently and in the end she became entirely covered with it. How the fuck a human brain can produce such a shit, I wonder? And every moment I met those metaphors they plunged and deepen me in some kind of frustration. Because the normal healthy man tries to imagine all this while reading, and when he fails, he stops his dialogue with an author. I consider this act as a dialogue. Dunno why. So he puts the book aside and goes to watch some horny movie I guess. And that is bad for ya, Bruno.

But I wasn’t going to be disturbed with such mere trifle and just went on reading. In the middle, I guess, I became involved with his way of thinking, his outlook and it eased the procedure much. Every time I tried to fancy something, a strange object or even the world opened in front of me. Really expands your consciousness, if you are not an adherent of drugs.

I see that my thought has spread out like a beard of god in the sky, so I gotta shorten it somehow.

Bottom line: if you, fat and silly prick, dare not to read that stuff, I’ll bet ya, I’ll fucking bet ya – I’m gonna find you, wherever you are, kick in the nuts, then take a chunk of concrete and beat until you fall like a drained turd off the wall. Take my words, Bruno, Big Brother is watching you.

Fever and Reflexion

These thoughts arise on the horizon every time I cross the border of the northern entrance of my stadium: a new one that means no history - no great and glorious history.

Every match day I come to it two hours before kick off – just can’t sit and wait at home any longer. So I wait for an hour to be let inside. Then another hour I spend standing on the “kop”. And the very moment they come over – thoughts. I look upon these people, for whom this is mere game, just an amusing game, an opportunity to have some good time on the weekend, drink beer etc. But… I can’t observe all this shit, cause for me it’s, I dare, say a sense of life. And comparing these extra polar points or views on this game, I completely do not understand, or even comprehend those people, whose relation to this “fever” is calm and tranquil. Well, perhaps, it’s me, whose head is fucked up by or with this game, but I am completely sure, that this game should be considered only as fever, as some incurable disease, which you catch once and never can get rid of. Anyway, I can’t still understand them and I’m not willing to.

Actually, I somehow realize that it’s kinda addiction, which is abnormal for an ordinary person. But, I guess every fucking prick has some kind of obsession and addiction, which he calls “hobby”. There is no normal people left on this planet – everyone is fucked up.

So, as we have concluded, I am addicted. I should say it’s not the worst addiction which you can choose from (because, definitely, every one chooses addiction, not a hobby.) I still remember that day clearly – we played Aberdeen, UEFA cup, don’t remember what stage, but it was the second leg. But not this matters. I got seats next to our “kop”. In half an hour the ground was full – no empty seat was seen. The very moment, which impressed me, had happened a few minutes before the kick off – a tune of the anthem began to play, everybody stood up, lifted his scarf in the air, so that the whole stadium became covered with them, and in that moment I understand – IT IS FUCKING UNBELEIVABLE. It made me fell like that was something great and without any doubt very solemn, and also I felt as I was present at some historical moment and I was witnessing something certainly outstanding and eminent. From that moment result of the match never mattered for me. My soul and heart were in that tempest of emotions, loud screams, shouts, rude and mature swearing, which I tried hard not to listen to though. It really brought some air in life, diluted my boredom, which consisted only of domestic activity – sleep, study, eat.

In that chaos you dissolve so comfortably that then you have no desire and a will to regain your “normal” state of mind. It transfers you to the other spheres of consciousness without taking any special meds. It’s kinda harmless activity for you. But I speak about your body, and I give no guarantee of safety concerning your brain and wits. It can surely blow out them. So be careful before applying. Since I’ve been contemplating for so long on this, I dare say, phenomena, I think I can give you some sort of explanation – I would call it an effect of line. I mean when you are to face another army, willing to destroy and kick the shit out of you. And when one attends the ground, he receives such a feeling – feeling of approaching clash of bones and metal weapon, suffering, pain, casualties, defeated enemy, who lies with his guts squeezed out of his belly and asphyxiates from the smoke of guns mixed with led and gunpowder…

I’ll bet you, I’ll fucking bet you, that is what they – men – really want. Because in the frame of consumers society, which is also based on such shit, as democracy, equality and so forth, there is almost no way to spill out your emotions, anger, hate, anguish both moral and of any sort. You accumulate this shit, while trying to be tolerant, patient, well-bred, good-fashioned, smart, urban yappy asshole. That is the reason for so high level of rapes, when some crazy prick tries to cornhole not even you daughter or a wife – your son too. And these stupid officials in the court just cannot understand why he has done it. And there is the main mistake – they fight and work only with consequence, not a reason. Because they don’t give a shit about a separate person: his problems and motivation of actions. And when they eliminate at least half of these preconditions, there will be twice less crimes level. But it’s always easier to put his ass to jail, than to help a man cope with some shitty stuff in his life.

And that was just one of plenty of the examples concerning hidden aggression that festers inside all of you, folks, bare it in mind.

Looks like a reasonable justification of my addiction. Anyway, I guess it is.

Now I come up to the main feature and secret of “fever”. You can express yourself in every way and by all means, but you can never spill it completely. It’s like waving your fists in front of an enemy never beating and reaching his face. Just looses extra energy, which you could loose in more horrible way, man.

So you cry, shout, sometimes kick your neighbor on the terrace, smash seats, scream, throw damns and curses: “Jerk-offs, pretentious cocksuckers, go fuck yourselves, pussyfarts”, but never applying your energy to any object, especially to the object of hate.

On a one hand, there is nothing sophisticated and complicated in it. On the other – no one still can give an explanation, I mean full and which I could be pleased with. For me it is still phenomena and let it be. Let me be the believer, who is afraid of his object of worshipping to be destroyed and he personally to be dissuaded.

Now I’ve touched another aspect of a human being – he always wants to determine himself with some colour, flag, community, society, space. It kinda brings some determination of directions and objects in life. But I must admit that genuinely free people do not need such attributes, because they have sufficient will and wits to find and go their own way, without adjusting to someone. And the major feature of them – they do not search for the “head”, a colonel, a chief, a king, a president eventually, who will be to blame in case of any troubles. Wise people count on and only on themselves, and if some shit happens, they know – it’s me, who is to blame, I’m guilty, not the jew next door. It’s me, I somehow missed something, didn’t complete correctly or leave unfinished and consequently it had caused those troubles. Reflexion happens to be useful sometimes, helps you to dig and seek in every distant corner of your mind and soul the very reason, ground, cause, precondition. And what do you benefit?! – when you’ve got a reason, it’s always easier to struggle and overcome some shit. But, I shall admit, reflexion is not popular with people. They would rather think it’s you, who is guilty, and they are Mrs Innocence and the Holly Virgins. It is delusional way of thinking, but if they wanna stroke themselves – leave’em be, just their choice and right to make this choice.

Probably, it was not the figure of speech I wanted to develop. Ok, but it was also reflexion, which had been claimed as useful in the end of long and hard contemplation ‘bout it.

P.S These cunts played like pussies again tonight. Nothing changes underneath the mighty sun and all-wise moon.