вторник, 12 октября 2010 г.

It was up to me

“See, you’ll get yourself full undies of satisfaction for only 5 bucks”. Yet I had some doubts whether I should go or not. What did I expect from it? Just a play, a sole actor, no stage, the closest contact with spectators, great plentitude of emotions, feelings, cries, tears, crashes, bounds, thrusts and body shaking and shuddering right fucking in front of you. Oh, it really blows your mind out completely. Perhaps, that is the reason for so good an attendance of place like that theater, for every staged play gathers a full house there. My hesitation grounded upon the matter of money because I regarded that activity as pointless one even if it costed me 5 bucks only. And there are always another bunch of excuses of your not visiting some gig or place like a lack of time or lots of shit to do at home, rugby training for chri sake. But last months of my existence are distinctly marked with my training the power of will or learning to make up some decisions without delay and too much thinking, just a quick command and not less quick respond either. It’s a somewhat learning experience, practice of real life, not that permanent dawdling around same stuff and matter for years. For all the underestimation, I took a chance and visited the theater. And I’ve never been to it before, valuable remark indeed. So, as you can judge, I had a certain set of prejudices and misgiving about the undertaking of the sort. Anyway, I was at the theater waiting for my friend just an hour before the beginning. Lots of these silly looking stupid fucking assholes floating around pissed me off well enough. These feminine looking boys, spiritually gifted virgins whose faces were marked with some bits if intelligence, but they simply didn’t know that it was all make belief etc. So, I had my two minute hatred directed onto them, as I always do in such cases. This is my inborn reaction to all sort of manmade bullshit. Here I’d like to interrupt a narration.
That day, I don’t remember exactly what it was like, but it certainly began as it always did before, waking up, shiting down, devourment of the morning protein set, I mean natural protein like eggs and another stuff, dumping once more and dressing up. You see, nothing fancy. At some moment when I was in a streetcar my phone revealed its presence, another message from here on the same topic. It somehow only added to an entire confusion of another fucking day, for I personally was pressed against the wall in some way. In my case it means making up any decision at all. This is what I’m at odds with. She wrote, it’s for you to decide. Well, first of all, I went apeshit because of her English, I couldn’t react the other way and that was my nerd nature, alter ego. But it wasn’t that what really mattered at the time. That was a kind of question which requires a direct answer only, yes or not. You can’t be evasive in such a situation and that caused me some soul suffering deep down. I needed to recollect everything in the memory in that precise minute, estimate all the pros and cons and deliver a judgment, yet I wasn’t sure who was a defendant. More likely I was. The first thought was to postpone the resolution of that deal to better times, maybe. An ordinary reaction, a little frightening, for I was completely unsure of what should I do and should I do anything either. I was pondering somewhere around ten minutes with fingers grasping my cell phone, eyes following people outside and brain being self squeezed like a sponge. He was looking for some refuge to hide and cover himself with a blanket, an annoying thought of her waiting there for my reply didn’t bestow me a mere bit of concentration or courage. After five or seven minutes passed a sudden brainwave crossed my mind, an immediate hit of urine in the brain – tale a fucking chance for once in your life, whacha gonna do, play with your prick for another thirty years? Then her words echoed in my ear, don’t be afraid to fall in it. My head was already going to burst and I don’t know how I eventually came to that much suffered conclusion. I remember it as if it happened an hour ago, me being somewhat bent with my arms crossed on the chest and elbows resting on the knees, hands being embracing and digging into hair, eyes sparse and a look scattered on every surrounding object, and her, on the contrary, going crazy and tearing her mind with some clues and premonitions of something bad to befall, for they always expect the worst thing, and my thumb is nervously trying to pick a button to begin a writing of a negative or positive answer. Seemed to be a choice between red cord and blue one, which is to cut… But Carlin helped me like he did before. I stopped my ruminations and began to type this – Yes, I really can’t stand a thought of another fucking day without you. The ice broke…
He was quickly climbing up some metal structure, the light was completely dimmed, an fierce and invigorating music sounded loudly enough and here he was already on top leaning a little downwards, the spotlight carving his face, final vows of the play, he took a deep breathe and said, love each other. That was the ending after which he supposedly fell down and that last spotlight was out, too. Impressive shit it was. I was deadly kicked ass. No more words could ever explain that condition I was in at the moment, fuck yeah. All the way home I was just glad for the right choice made that day.